#they make most of their clothes on their own due to sensory issues :)

[dont-hug-me-its-yuri]

Sketchbook would be so into knitting and crochet, they would actually make most of their own clothes, they all look like this

[st4rsinthenight]

★Rise!Donatello x Scene!Style!Reader Headcanons★

— |✷| REQUEST ??: yes (on wattpad).

— |✷| ROMANTIC OR PLATONIC: can be seen as both.

— |✷| TROPES: canon x reader.

— |✷| CONTENT WARNING: reader x canon, may be out character, repetitive words, scene style, scene themes, styling, wigs★not proof read, not proof read, not proof read★

(I don't like the word 'aesthetic' that much for some reason, I just don't know what other synonyms to use help, he—)

— |☆| Vibrant, maximised and over the top. Those could be the words that Donatello would describe your aesthetic and numerous accessories pairing your outfits. It could be a bit too overwhelming for him to look at, his eyes could be flickering around taking in the little details of your choice of clothing, but boy.. does he love it. It may be too much for others,  maybe even himself but  it's also so cool.

— |☆| He would like, erm, love to help plan out your outfits, as he is the most fashionable turtle in the family after all-  So I can imagine him planning out quite a few outfits for you based on the '2010's style' and such .. Also, expect him to end up pulling all nighters after hours of researching stuff regarding the fashion of someone with a scene-aesthetic. So he might accidentally gain a new hyperfixation to research on thanks to you and your highlighted choice of fashion. /pos

— |☆| In case you need / want to dye your hair and run out of hair-dye then, don't fret dear (reader) — as Donnie would make — ..well, try— to create hair dye specifically for you !! Ranging from the colour that you wish to dye your hair in, to if the chemicals that used will react positively to your skin and roots once applied to your scalp. Man's got it covered for ya. Though don't expect him to dye your hair for you, due to sensory issues and all. Or maybe even, if you have sensory issues with hair-dye yourself, he would try to make his own wigs for you, based on your length, colour and mass preferences !! Though, he may fail to do so, as it will most likely be time consuming and complicated. As determined as he may be to make a wig for you, I can see him settling with ordering or hoarding wigs from local shops.. and then modifying them so they fit your exact proportions and likes.

— |☆| If you guys hold hands, Donnie may fiddle with one of the plenty bracelets that you may be wearing, admiring the bright colours and pretty, or maybe even messy patterns of the beads and such. He may ask, or well- plead for you to make him one. Or maybe even, he would even try to make a few of his own. Both for himself and you. Yes, they are going to have different shades of purple, mostly vibrant and darkened shades. And speaking of bracelets and such- he would more than gladly create most of your accessories, being a bit shy to do so at first, but after the first couple of times of you receiving his gifts he would get a bit more bold and would start giving them to you more often. Or whenever you need them. Bro will honestly feel honoured if he sees you wearing the stuff that he made for you and maybe even a bit flustered at first, but he would be mostly humbled.

— |☆| The music that you are listening to ?? The one that is considered emo ?? It's going straight to his jammy-jam playlist. If I'm being honest, he would enjoy it quite a bit. Okay, a lot, if I'm being honest. Especially the electric-pop side of the scene-music-genre as he already does listen to techno so I suppose it may appeal to him a bit more than deathcore or punk. But who's to say that he won't blast the other types of music that are considered scene ?? Honestly, I can easily see him working and whirring some tech of his while his hearing is just flooded with 'LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOORRRRRR !!'. It may also make him feel like a badass, like his 'emotionally unavailable bad boy image' is being boosted to the max or something, something. Also, he'd always think of you whenever he is listening to scene and such.

— |☆| Oh and, safe to say that you would grow inspired by you so that he starts wearing clothes that match the scene-genre after doing some extensive, and impulse, research on the style as to not miss out or wear anything that may not pass as scene. He also may ditch the 'old lady' disguise and use a more 'edgy-2010 themed-teen' look for whenever he goes out. Or he may combine them. Imagine seeing a mutant teen dressed up as a scene grandma it be like, so cool and funny. He'd also flip the bird and maybe even nuke whoever is making fun of you for your, and his,  gorgeously highlighted and vibrant fashion.

— |✷| EXTRA NOTES: werggg, first time writing for a reader with a specific style, hopefully I didn't miss or get anything wrong erh. yeh, hope y'all enjoyed. scene is cool, scene is great /gen !!

[talkshowboyluvr]

lil treech rant bc i'm ANNOYING

the perception of treech has changed so drastically from the fandoms understanding of him when the book first came out to the movie. before the movie, the main agreement on treech's character was that he was a circus performer (still gen one of my fav he's, i love the idea of him being a performer im some way, though i usually make his parents past circus performers instead of himself) he had some clear trauma with touch (i personally make him autistic because of this, imagining sensory issues to be the main reason, though there are older theories abt past sa happening to him) and - one of my favourite ideas - was him being a foil to lucy gray.

both book treech and lucy gray were fairly passive until the ending of the games, both of them preferring not to engage in confrontation and instead kill in more sneaky ways (when someone wasn't looking, with poison and both seemed to be popular in the capitol.

i almost think the movie gives more proof of this with treech having the highest sponsor count after lucy gray and being the only other tribute we see struggle with guilt and morality during the games. both clearly cared about their district partners, both had a hand in their partners death. both seem to charm the capitol.

so, the majority of my own depictions of treech come to down to making him a sort of twisted version of lucy gray. his life is slightly harder than hers - i usually write him to be looking after his two sisters, struggling with a job in the lumberyard and being incredibly poor (more on that in a minute) - so he's naturally lost some of his spark.

he enjoys preforming, but sees it as a chore more often than not due to how tired he is these days, he's no longer truly happy in life.

i believe he's poor simply due to his outfit in the movie. everyone seems to be wearing something intricate, something that clearly has work and money put into it, while he's in his work clothes. i also imagine this would make him weak and much like katniss, i think he'd be underfed in his attempts to provide for his sisters and put them above himself.

a lot of the time, i see people act as though him joining the pack in the movie didn't make any sense when compared to the book, and though i agree it does change the plot, i don't think it at all changes his character. he's a coward in both book and movie, he avoids confrontation in the book, only steals from the already weakened and hides the entire games. in the movie he leaves lamina despite wishing to stay with her as he's more concerned with his safety that with being courageous.

personally, i think book treech may have also joined the pack if given the chance. i do think his survival would always come above morality for him, no matter how clear it is that the guilt tears his up about it.

treech's death, however, is the most impactful for me in both the book and movie. in the book you see a boy so desperate for comfort that he latches onto lucy gray's embrace, or you could instead see a boy so fearful of touch that he freezes in her arms. either way, he's clearly filled with rage when the snake bites, because book treech knew he was going home. he could have beaten lucy gray and reaper had rabies - treech had practically already been basking in his victory.

then a snake latched onto him and in his final moments he bashed the snake to death in revenge as he couldn't reach lucy gray.

movie treech, however, was in agony. he didn't digest the poison as dill did, meaning it instead would have had to enter his bloodstream, which would have been more painful and slower. you can see him covering his face, shaking, retching and practically sobbing before he dies, all while he's ignored and left to lay there forgotten.

movie treech is also never placed in the morgue and book treech's body is dragged around by lucy gray, so even after death he's the only tribute never left to rest :)

[oddballcobblebot]

GOTHAM NYGMOBBLEPOT HEADCANONS!! ☂️❔

hiii !!!!! i luvv telling people my headcanons so here are some of mine!!

☂️ STARTING WITH OSWALD!! 🐧

he's autistic and has bpd!!

he struggles with textures related to his suits so he tries to get them all in a favorable texture, he loves silk and satin, cant stand velvet

left handed

he struggles with impulsive suicidal/self harm ideation due to bpd, when triggered by things he can spiral easily and become overwhelmed which causes the impulsive ideation

he likes most foods but finds some absolutely unbearable and refuses to eat them.

he has anger issues from his autism!! he gets overwhelmed which turns into rage (like me)

he lovess food, he loves trying food and is willing to eat anything ed makes about 98% of the time

if his clothes feel too restricting he will wear ed's because theyre bigger on him, but only around the house, never anywhere else

he's always been chubby even from childhood!! and was fat moreso season 5 and onward, especially after finale!

he struggles with gender identity but chooses not to label himself much, but if it were put into a term, mainly genderfluid. he uses both she/her and he/him interchangeably. lesbian freak. she is also uniromantic and is only in love with ed!!!

he has a very low self esteem and has a hard time looking in mirrors sometimes, especially after hurting his eye

he gets headaches very often but they aren't very debilitating. they are usually triggered by potent scents and lights

(secret headcanon i have he has POTS shhh)

he sometimes smokes weed when the pain in his leg is too much to handle and pain medication isn't helping

he wont ever say it, but he loves being cared for

❔ EDWARD NYGMA TIME!!! 🦉

he has npd, autism, and osdd!! he is a narc but not in the eww narcissists way, in the actual personality disorder way!!

severe sensory issues, especially towards lights and textures

hates the texture of grass

right handed

needs a near constant stream of npd supply, even if its in small ways like praising his riddles, ideas, calling him smart, etc

oswald listening to him intently is like a form of supply for him, feeling listened to is like supply

he uses she/her and he/him interchangeably like oswald, and discovered her gender identity in arkham (the last time she went for a decade...sad face), transgender lesbian!!

very very selective and picky with foods

loves to take care of oswald and cook, cooking makes it easier to cater to both of their texture needs, but they do occasionally eat out

loves infodumping to oswald about riddles and whatever is interesting him

nerm swana (turkish + arab specifically) !!

if oswald is smoking for leg pain u best bet ed is joining in!!!!!

loves to listen to oswald talk alot

he loves loves loves cats and pets the strays around gotham

he didnt ACTUALLY hate that oswald named his dog after him and found it quite endearing

🐧☂️ TOGETHER!!!!!1! NYGMARBLEPOT ❔🦉

they both love having meals together and talking about future endeavors

oswald runs the iceberg lounge after the finale, edward is also a co owner

they spend a lot of time together

oswald sleeps on the left side of the bed, edward on the right

edward helps oswald a lot when hes having problems with anger, he tries to be more logical rather than just trying to tell him to "calm down." trying to give him a solution and talking it through helps oswald more

oswald keeps candles and dim lights around the manor to help with ed's sensory problems related to lights, as well as to prevent headaches for himself too

edward helps oswald with his leg a lot, like reminding him to take medications or use his cane when needed. he is always there to remind oswald its okay to need help with things time to time

they both love listening to eachother

oswald likes drinking more than ed does, he loves gin and tonic, frozen margaritas, and martinis. ed prefers not to drink, but doesnt mind a martini either. ed doesnt drink on his own, only with oswald really

oswald became an occaisonal smoker after blackgate, using it to calm any anxiety he gets. ed doesnt like it that much and hates the smell, but he bears with it for oswalds sake. doesnt mean he doesnt try to get him to stop, though

edward loves oswalds size and constantly compliments him, he loves oswald no matter what weight he is and never comments on his body negatively ever

they both have tons of bodily scars

they are both very physically affectionate with eachother but dont really like being touched by other people at all, both are very touch avoidant when it comes to anyone but eachother

both use fem terms on eachother and refer to eachother with she/her a lot!! they both love being fem in private

ed's special interest is riddles and oswald's is penguins!!! eds always loved riddles and puzzles, while oswald learned more about them after the title was bestowed upon him. he also loves sharks!!!

THEY R IN LOVE!!!!! !!!!

thats all. bye bye!!

[astralspen]

Not normally where I post my art but I finished a rough design for Atsushi in my Love Can End Even This Pain fanfic, an AU both lovingly and very uncreatively dubbed the Mentor!Chuuya AU where Chuuya finds and takes Atsushi in instead of Dazai

Below the cut is my re-written design notes and some other thoughts I have on him in this!

Design Notes:

-Atsushis black streaks are way more obvious in this AU than they are in canon

-His hair in general is also both fluffier and longer because he’s a tiger why wouldn’t he be blessed with the floof and I also just like drawing the floof

-Atsushis color palette leans into more colors while also still being pretty muted. In future plans he will have an outfit with his classic black and white combo, but that’s a spoiler so gotta wait for that one ^^

-Chuuya stitched a little tiger decoration on his sleeve for shits and giggles when he noticed how much Atsushi wore that shirt specifically (note; this builds on my hc for Chuuya that he knows how to sew from his time in Suribachi with the Sheep; I’ll expand on that when I draw Chuuya design!)

-I hc Atsushi having some sensory issues, so his clothes as a whole are pretty baggy so they don’t rub against his skin. I also hc Atsushi as being someone who likes to have himself pretty covered when given the choice, so he gets a shirt underneath his short sleeve one

-Probably me projecting my own love of boots onto him, but Atsushi almost always wears a pair of military style boots. In my defense, they’re pretty practical for his fighting style

-He keeps pocket watch on him! This is due to his past at the orphanage and a little something I’m excited to write in the fic that happens later on

Gen Thoughts on him:

-In this, Atsushi is more skilled in fighting than in canon because of Chuuya training him. So, he’s also more muscular too

-In one of the chapters I touch on Atsushi having binge eating disorder, and this was one of my major hcs of his. His past really builds up on this, as well as his larger than life appetite. As Atsushi recovers from it, I imagine he would be more of a snacker. Just always eating something small while still having his regular meals. If I’m being honest, I don’t intend for him to fully recover from his general food anxiety since a part of the hc is him not understanding when he actually is hungry, so he is muscular but also skinnier than normal

-I’m also going to be making him a lot less naive. His environment would shift his morals pretty drastically imo, with them becoming more similar to Chuuya in a ‘I won’t fight unless you pick one with me, but start it and I won’t hesitate’ way. I will, however, be keeping his no killing moral code in place for the most part. In general, Atsushi condones violence more than he does in canon though

-Very tiny and another general hc of mine but he loves music. Almost always listening to it and has heard some of every genre. Several pairs of earbuds and headphones no doubt

-In case you haven’t read the fic yet (please do ik I’m slow to update but I do hold a lot of love for it), Chuuya gives Atsushi a white tiger plush named Shiro. Atsushi likes to hug him every night because the plush reminds him he’s not alone. Atsushi will also sometimes stare at Shiro while talking to Byakko in his head. Byakko does not appreciate being visualized as a toy, but Atsushi figures out how to brush him off pretty quickly.

[ptolomeia]

Who wants to hear my thoughts on how my disability, fatness and grief all intersect?

If the answer is not you, please press j to continue to the next post!

So, we're coming up on a year now since our disability meant we had to come to terms with the fact that we would never be able to work and had to drop out of school for our dream job and become a housebound/bedbound lump person. Now my dream job was in construction, it was unionized and extremely well paid and I was three months short of graduating when reality became undeniable. I was never going to be able to do this.

I may have been the only person in my class who had to double check the weight capacity of my harness and shock absorber, but I was fucking good at the work. One of my teachers had me tutoring classmates before the brain fog made that impossible. And while it was hard to find clothes that fit me, mens clothes typically came in larger sizes, which worked for me.

And then came MECFS, slowly robbing my life of, well, most things really. Including, but very much not limited to, my sense of identity and my dream job.

Being a poor student, I didn't really have many clothes that didn't fit with that life. And being very fat, i couldnt exactly go to a mall and buy fast fashion that suited me better for cheap. So, I find myself almost a year down the line with still not many clothes that make me feel good or happy or non additional grief.

Which brings me to my next set of issues. Due to sensory and temperature regulation issues, I can only wear natural breathable fibers (another thing that cuts me off from fast fashion). Between the exhaustion from my ME/CFS and my sensory issues, shopping is hard on me.

But HAHA! I think. I've been sewing on and off for near two decades now (ow my brain). I can just sew myself a new wardrobe! Besides, the non construction worker styles I like (vintage 40s-50s) is even harder to find plus sized, well fitting anyway. If I can't do my dream job, at least I can enjoy some expertly sewn (eh, close enough), perfectly (that could probably use some quotes) fitting clothes in a style I've long loved but thought impractical!

Except, here's the thing. Sewing requires energy. Laying out and cutting out fabric requires energy. It requires precision and focus and when I only have a few good hours a day and have to take care of myself and my home on top of my sewing ambitions...

Last summer I made a pair of shorts (two front pieces, two back pieces, a fly, a waist band, belt loops, 4 pockets and facings) in three days at the start of my decline, and that was on top of doing some basic renovations at my parents house. Last month, an extremely simple t-shirt (front, back, two sleeves and a neckband) took me... a week? More? And there's so much more I want to make working through my stash. Pj's that aren't falling apart. A new raincoat and a new fall coat. A simple 1950s style dress in a wonderfully loud plaid that would just be so much fun.

But this morning I was trying to get my jersey to lie flat and nearly ended up crying (knits are the devil fabric. Curse them and their comfort and stretch). There are days where it feels like there is nothing this disease won't take from me.

But at the same time... even if a year ago I could have trimmed assembled and cut out a pattern in one day, at least today I got to trim the papers? And even if cutting out that jersey took more fabric that it strictly needed to, at least I'm one step closer to having some new, hole free pjs.

So, even as i grieve the many many things I lost, I try to hold to what I still can do. And also rail against the world for making things harder for fat people than they need to be. Because seriously, I'm having to learn to make my own patterns (and yes, they will fit better but that is not the point) because most patterns (and definitely none of the big commercial ones) come in anything close to my measurements. This makes me extremely annoyed.

But yeah, to sum up, disability, fatness, grief, and hope all make a very complex ball. And I wish it could be easier

[dumbbutchmutt]

a random question for you, Gideon: do you have any tips for dealing with subdrop? what are your favourite ways to take care of your sub or be taken care of when you sub?

Okay so I would say for one it can definitely vary, somenpeople will want specific comforts so my first piece of advice us to know beforehand if they have specific things they want/need and to express your own wants/needs for subdrop. (I find many of these can helpin a domdrop too! Subs can and should use this advice to help their doms as well if it can be applied)

With that:

I always start with water. A hydrated brain is always better at regulating. Snacks can also be good for the same reason. (Chocolate is one I used to get suggested a lot when I did reaserch on the subject, due to it's encouragement of serotonin in the brain. I find any soft of sweet tends to make somon cheer up a bit though, since most people like them. Fruit is also a really good one, because it'ssimple to eat and also doubles as more hydration.)

Soft textures (blankets, pillows plushies), or a piece of comfort clothing. Being in a drop can be a vaunrable of a state as being in the initial subspace, and I often like to be covered up and held. I usually do the same for my partners, because being close under a blanket can help be physically grounding.

Comforting words. Subdrops can feel isolating even with someone there, and they can make you feel like you have done something wrong. Let your partner know that it's okay, and even though they don't feel the best right now, they aren't alone and they haven't done anything wrong. Let them know that they're safe with you and you've got them for as long as they need. The space to know that you can still be taken care of is good.

Talk about it. Was it caused by something? If not that's okay, My sub drops are usually not prompted by anything specific, but knowing can help you avoid making it worse if there was a cause. It also means you might have something to discuss later to avoid this from happening from the same cause.

Simple activity. Get them up to clean up, take the,with you to set up a space to cuddle. Some movement of the body will be good for them. Doesn't have to be fancy. I like to follow my partner to get snacks if I'm not dizzy, and keep them in sight. And it does help more then laying there sad and possibly alone. Even for a few seconds when I'm in a drop can feel much longer.

I find that things I use when I'm sad can help with subdrops as well. Listening to music that helps, watching something with my partner, or playing a simple game that doesn't take a lot of brainpower. It can be nice to just spend time with my dom and know that there's no pressure to return to a specific state of mind.

I'm disabled and sometimes subdrops flare my pain. Check in for physical responses to the mental state especially if you're disabled. Pain meds to lessen the physical shit can make it a bit easier to focus on coping and calming dowm from the mental things.

Other suggestions I've seen are baths (I hate baths for sensory issues and so do my partners so not our thing, but the warmth of a good bath can't be beat if you like them), Making and having some tea, Burning candles and doing grounding exercises, Or prayers (If you practice that way together/are willing to do it with them if it would make them feel better).

And through any of these or other things you might try, take your time. It's not a rush to feel better. You're allowed to work through the subdrop like any other emotion, which might not be instant.

[This is in no way a fully fleshed out list or a one size fits all, so do your reaserch and take note of what does and doesn't seem to help you/your sub/your dom.]

[soongtypemutant]

A myriad of headcanons regarding Mr. Thawne, if you please. I think about him a lot- he fucking sucks, I love him. Under the cut btw.

-Comic book mental health representation is historically awful, but as someone who is autistic, I find some of these traits reflective of my own; a lot of Eobard’s behaviour can make a lot of sense if you choose to read him as someone on the spectrum that never received the acknowledgement or accommodations that he needs.

-Eobard falls on the Autism spectrum but due to the lack of prioritization regarding mental health in the 25th century, this is never something that gets properly revealed to him. He mostly struggles with tone/expression, social cues, emotional empathy, and a flat affect. He becomes quickly overstimulated in crowded environments and struggles with heavy socializing. He is very prone to hyperfixation. His special interest is obviously The Flash, but also extends to history in general, with a focus on the 21st century.

-Eobard is very taken with 21st century technology and is frequently enthralled by it when he visits that time period. It doesn’t really matter what object it is, though he is rather fond of a walkman he found once. Film is something he also finds quite amusing and he enjoys seeing the progression of technology in media.

-In continuation, Thawne, like any historian, is prone to making mistakes once in a while. Sometimes he gets confused when addressing 21st century objects and technology. He frequently mistakes modern appliances for one another- and once referred to a toaster as “some sort of primitive communication device”.

-Eobard is interested in arts and humanities and general, and has experience in museum curation of all kinds, not just historical artifacts. He is well versed in art as well but again, due to his century’s priorities, hasn’t had the resources to do much with that interest. He can draw quite well though when he actually bothers to. He has a sketchbook filled with renderings of various artifacts he’s favoured from all over the timeline. The ones he is most proud of are referenced in person- in their respective times. Of course, he also has quite a few sketches of various “””historical figures””””” he is fond of.

-Continuing from the last point, Eobard has made a hobby of traveling to various time periods to witness historical events first hand. He rarely meddles with them unless it benefits him, but rather just observes as a historian.

-Eobard found out the hard way that average 25th century clothing is quite clocky in other time periods, and as such has spent quite a long time studying the fashion of other points in history. In the 21st century, he favours comfortable yet modest and professional clothing. He wears a lot of turtlenecks. He does not like scratchy interior tags that are common in the late 20th and 21st century and usually rips them off. (Sensory issues are not pleasant)

-Eobard’s voice is ironically nice to listen to outside of the context of who is speaking. He struggles to convey tone but he’s quite soft spoken. He rarely raises his voice- and only does such if he knows that doing so can garner a reaction.

-And finally, Eobard smells slightly metallic and sterile. Almost like a hospital in a way, it’s a bit unnerving. To indulge myself, I will say that he would possibly favour sweeter citrusy scents, though logically I would assume that he just wouldn’t bother with colognes unless a situation calls for it. (I have gotten myself into a rather deep cologne/perfume rabbithole and it is surprisingly quite interesting- I have a whole list attributing scents to the Rogues if that’s interesting enough to share despite it being a ridiculously minor thing to think about)

Anyways byebye

[psych0t1c-bread]

I’m making a board for each of the Epic Sanses starting with Delta! Could you imagine Delta wearing any of these Outfits? Or any other fun accessories?

OOO YES!! I can absolutely see that!!!

I can also imagine him possibly wearing a hanging chain on his pants or maybe some jewelry, such as a small necklace or maybe a black ring (to symbolize him being aspec, bc that's my favorite headcanon I have of his lol). Though he'd stick to his main color pallet.

Also, this next part is based off of someone else's headcanon (I think it was Toffee's?) that the Epic Sanses would have friendship bracelets, and Delta would 100% wear one if the others participated.

But on the topic of his clothing. I have SO many different headcanons for his clothing.

First of all, I think Delta values comfort over anything else in his clothes. So if he needs to go out and buy new ones, the first thing he looks for is if it feels right (because I also hold the headcanon that he has ADHD, and mild sensory issues due to said ADHD).

I think the second thing he values most in clothing is style and color. As long as it fits what he's interested in, including colors, he'll buy it. However, he is willing to buy different colored items - just means he probably won't wear them as often.

Along with that, due to how many fights he gets in on the daily, his clothing always has rips and tears in them - especially if he has to make a quick makeshift bandage for himself when he eventually runs out. So he's always buying new clothes to make sure he's prepared.

However, that is not to say he doesn't try to fix his clothing first. If the rip or tear is mendable by either sewing or patches, he'll do that first. Only if he needs to create a makeshift bandage will he immediately give up on trying to save whatever article of clothing he just destroyed.

I also think that he goes through shoes ABNORMALLY fast. He's always active, running, noving around quickly. And in fights, that fucker KICKS. And because of this, he goes through shoes very very quickly. He'll wear them until he physically cannot use them anymore.

And due to this, I believe that he would heavily invest in good boots, since shoes are too quickly worn out. Which is why I FIRMLY believe that he would own at least ONE pair of Doc Martens (that, and it also fits his vibe perfectly). I'd also imagine he'd change out the black laces for orange ones.

That's all the headcanons for clothing I have for now I think!! But if I remember any more, I'll add them on.

[autismnation]

ok so since the whiplash fandom has about 2 people active i have decided to share my andrew neiman headcanons that i have cherished in my notes app for a few months now. most of these are autism headcanons. anyway enjoy !

1. he’s autistic & was diagnosed around the age of twelve, however only he and his dad know, he hasn’t told anyone and neither has his dad

2. he also has generalised anxiety

3. he masks a lot in public but is happily unmasked in private & around his dad (his dad is super supportive and listens to andrew whenever he asks for help/tells him something about autism)

4. andrew’s resting face is really blank, like full on no thoughts behind those eyes

5. andrew’s fave colour is brown because it’s a mix of all colours and he likes how it reflects how unique everything in the world is, but he tells people his fave colour is light blue so they don’t think he’s boring

6. andrew has super bad sensitive issues and andrew wears lots of neutral coloured, baggy clothes due to this

7. andrew is bisexual, nonbinary, they/he pronouns and gets lots of gender euphoria when people call him ‘pretty’ or ‘cute’

8. he’s very sensitive to light so he’s almost always squinting & he wears sunglasses indoors when nobody can see him (but not with people bc he doesn’t want to be judged)

9. they’re quite insecure and self conscious & he is almost always policing his body language to make sure he isn’t ‘weird’ (the effects of ableist bullying)

10. he barely gets any sleep because he spends most of his time at night overthinking

11. they also feel like the world is going too fast for them so he spends time at night processing the day’s events

12. his fave way to stim is to blink a lot really fast in a short amount of time. he loves to do it in time to his fave songs too (if anyone asks him what he’s doing he just says some bs about how there’s something in his eyes)

13. their most common stim is tapping any surface (usually his hands, legs or a table) to the beat of a song. it can be a song playing or a song stuck in their head

14. he really, really hates change and it makes him get anxiety attacks whenever there’s sudden change

15. that’s why he hated school sm,, as soon as he got used to his new timetable, new teachers, new seating plans etc. it became a new year and it changed again

16. andrew rlly wants to get his ears pierced but hates the idea of some random stranger touching him (haha surprise he’s touch adverse) so instead he wears clip on piercings. but again, only at home bc he’s too insecure to wear them in public in case he gets made fun of

17. adding onto the touch adverse thing, they can’t handle being touched in more than one place at the same time & u have to ask before you touch them or it freaks him out a little.

18. he sleeps with a weighted blanket bc he loves the pressure, it helps with his anxiety

19. andrew’s a very plain and picky eater (sensory issues),, but sometimes he eats spicy food whenever he’s sensory seeking

20. he has a bunch of teddies from when he was a kid but he hides them under his bed. whenever he feels particularly sad or he can’t sleep after trying for hours, he gets his fave plushie and cuddles it

21. his fave plushie is a caterpillar with the drums (no, it’s not playing the drums, it’s just drums connected to the caterpillar LMAO)

22. andrew gets their dad to cut their hair bc again, he hates strangers touching him & he can’t cut his own hair

23. he’s almost always listening to music bc 1) it’s his special interest and 2) he’d rather have one stimuli he can control instead of a bunch of others he can’t bc yep, you guessed it!! he has sensory issues!

24. he has a rlly bad time understanding tone. for example, he can’t understand sarcasm (like, he can be sarcastic himself but he can’t understand if someone else is being sarcastic)

25. also, he used to be bullied a lot as a kid & people would pretend to be his friend (y’know those type of popular people 😒) and he would believe them, even though it was clear to everyone else they were making fun of him. and bc of that, he now assumes the worst of new people :(

26. their comfort item is their drumsticks. they brings them everywhere with them, even if he isn’t planning to play the drums, and he can calm himself down just by holding them

27. he bites his nails and the skin on the tips of his fingers (due to both stimming & an anxious habit)

28. he’s almost always has plasters covering some parts of his hand, usually his fingers, and he doodles smiley faces and stars on them

29. they barely have any friends & so they talk to themself a lot and sometimes when he feels particularly lonely he pretends he’s talking to an imaginary friend he made up or his favourite musicians

30. he’s so blunt and brutally honest all the time (technically this is canon but idc) & cannot control his tone at all

31. he usually drums late into the night until hes too exhausted to move so he falls straight asleep without overthinking

32. they have very bad impulse control and they lash out a lot (snapping at people and punching things usually) but after the whole fletcher thing, they got help for it so its a little better but he still has scarred knuckles and such

33. he hates all festivities bc its practically hell for his sensory issues but if he had to pick his favourite it would be xmas bc he likes seeing people smile when they open their gifts (he’d also love to dress up as santa and give kids gifts but he hasn’t found a costume that’s sensory safe for him yet)

34. he has to sleep with a blanket on his face e.g on his cheek or covering his mouth otherwise he literally can’t sleep

35. he has really bad emotional regulation and he has the worst case of alexthymia ever bro he doesn’t know what he’s feeling 95% of the time his go to phrase is literally “i’m ok i think how are you?” & he has no sense of identity

36. andrew literally has NO sense of self care like this dude over works himself so hard and has frequent shutdowns & meltdowns like their dad literally has to intervene its so bad their dad forced him to see someone because of it

37. speaking of, shutdowns happen more often than meltdowns for him and he goes nonverbal often

38. the only touch he likes is when people play with his hair but hes kinda picky about it he likes people running their fingers through his hair but if u try plait it or put it into a bobble or do anything to their scalp andrew immediately will recoil

[proudfreakmetarusonikku]

just wrote like a billion paragraphs on how I write c!tommy’s mentol illnesses whoops

Autism: While chaotic, Tommy does best in structured environments to a degree, needing some sort of routine to function. He's easily attached to comfort items and requires them for his day-to-day life. He struggles with social skills, primarily indicated by his inability to tell when he should stop joking around- he’s learnt surprising emotional intelligence to get around that. In general, he struggles to function on his own despite being fairly intelligent and very vocal, and as such latches into others for support. He’s also got extreme sensory issues, to the point he can only wear clothes he sews himself.

ADHD: Tommy has extremely severe ADHD, to the point it’s debilitating in everyday life. He struggles to stick to one train of thought, and often completely forgets what he’s doing, leading to him often neglecting his own needs (though he also has… other reasons for that). He requires constant stimulation, and boredom is physically painful to him. He’s always moving around and doing something, and he struggles to wait even for a few minutes. His struggles to stay organised are another reason he tends to rely on being a follower to others.

OCD: Tommy struggles with moral scrupulousity of a very religious type, and deeply fears he is a sinner. He spends a lot of his free time in prayer to the Primes he loves, and obsessively honours them in every way he can. He gets intrusive thoughts about sin- especially those he was forced to commit- and he believes these thoughts are the reason his afterlife was so hellish, and has many compulsions he feels he needs to honour to punish himself for being so sinful.

BPD: Tommy has very wild changes in mood frequently, something he struggles to control and which leads to him making rash decisions. He quickly feels abandoned, and stews in the self loathing it causes. He’s desperate for any sort of affection and attention, even if it's warped and abusive. He tends to view people either as wonderful or as monsters, and struggles with grey areas.

Psychosis: Tommy struggles with hallucinations and delusions on a day to day basis. Generally, he mostly grapples with delusions- mostly assigning meaning to objects and people in a very literal sense- and delusions of persecution, and the hallucinations mostly affect him when he’s dealing with extreme stress. He struggles to verbalise and understand his thoughts, and often lashes out.

PTSD: Tommy is hyper vigilant due to trauma and struggles to feel relaxed. Even on a good day, he's always checking the walls and making sure he has a knife in reaching distance. The smallest thing can trigger a flashback, even things he once loved, and as such he's frequently withdrawn and sullen despite usually being outgoing and adventurous. He has severe insomnia, and often doesn’t sleep until his body physically cannot stand it anymore.

Depression: Tommy has severe suicidal ideation and frequently wishes he could die- only his knowledge of the nothingness after death and more importantly the fact he'll inevitably be revived keep him from ending his own life most days. He very frequently self harms, usually by simply letting the elements get to him. He also goes days at a time without eating, both to punish himself and as a method of self harm. He believes himself to be a burden on everyone he loves and that the world would be a better place if he never existed.

Anxiety: Tommy has frequent panic attacks, often so severe he's incoherent (these cause him deep embarrassment). He worries about every action he takes, and most of those he doesn’t. His most frequently worry is about his future- while this is influenced by being threatened with multiple horrific fates, this is something he’s always done. He’s also incredibly anxious his friends don’t love him anymore whenever they’re not as obsessively clingy as him- times like this tend to draw him back into self-destrucive behaviour.

[genderqueerdykes]

Hiya ! I'm a trans / genderqueer guy and I'm wondering, is it normal for me to not want to get a binder ? Double sport bras is already hell enough sensory wise (I'm autistic) and I just,, don't wanna. Farthest I'd go would be trans tape. But I'm worried I wouldn't be valid ? I've never really had a problem with not passing but i'm just paranoid that I might be outcasted from other transmascs in the community :-(

it is your transition, not theirs, so when asking if something is appropriate for transitioning in your body, it's really important to consider your needs first and above all else

that's completely normal =) for most of my life, i have not worn binders. when i was in middle n high school i wore two loose sports bras, and for a while after that, but then i just stopped due to back pain, and autism sensory issues. i got a proper binder and then wore it for about... 3 months before going wow, i like this even less!!

neurodivergent ppl, chronic pain havers, and hell, even some NT able bodied trans guys just don't wanna bind. that's just as much of a trans man experience as any other. besides, you do have to take your health and safety into concern, and overall it is better for your body to not have a constant source of very tight compression around your rib cage.

so i wouldn't worry about any possible stray comments from someone with low self esteem, you are taking your transition into your own hands. your body, your transition, your agency. you make up the rules. nobody gets to tell you how you identify based off of a garment of clothing you may or may not decide to wear. i hope that helps, take care, good luck, stay safe out there, you are valued!

[c12ly]

✨️ My autistic headcanons, part 2: ✨️

Barry Allen

From the flash

I dont even know where to start, so im just gonna through it all. He info dumps, has a very strong sence of justice, running is his happy stim and said by him, when hes running hes the happiest. Hes clumsy, introverted, struggles in social situations. He also grew up in safe households for him and everyone around him are either autistic as well or decent human beings and i love to see an autistic character who, well, is not doing very great in like and mental wellbeing, but it has nothing to do with him being who he is, he never masks, hes never infantilized, he gets recognized by how good and dedicated he is at his job but without saying hes a savant or something and its rare that people comment on his differences being a bad thing or just in general.

Harry Wells

From the flash

He doesn't have much interest in social situations but when he does, he struggles with them, like making friendships, for example. He has difficulty with others emotions and his own emotions; theres an episode in which he literally just learns how to be emphatic. He has difficulty managing his anger, trowing stuff across the room which could be meltdowns. He sometimes gets nonverbal and Cisco talks for him. He gets hyperfixiated and im pretty sure he stimms but i cant remember any example. Oh and big belly burger is def his safe food.

Cisco Ramon

From the flash

Like Barry, he's a very emotional and expressive autistic. He gets so happy anytime he finds an answer for something hes been hyperfixiating on, hes clumsy, he struggles in social situations and sometimes worries about him not being good enough. His also very attached to his hair, his powers when he used to be Vibe were kind of linked to sensory stimulation, he has a strong sence of justice and shares SpIn with Harry, which is the reason why they get along so well; they really complement each other.

Wednesday Addams

From Wednesday

She rarely shows facial expressions, has alextymia, a strong sence of justice, she doesn't accept a simple answer, she wants a reason, has a strict routine, infodumps, doesn't care about social rules, norms, or fitting in, she only wears black and white due to sensory issues, doesn't see any different between her and older people and doesn't like physical touch.

Lily

From Dash & Lily

She doesn't like change, so much, that she never gets far from a literal bubble (well, more like an oval) she marked on a map. Her special interest is clearly Christmas, she signs carols and never forget the lyrics, and she likes to make her own clothes to express herself and although she do feel scared of being judged, she still wear what she wants, her weird but beautifully-her outfit which make her smile with so much joy. She has difficulty in social situations and during her childhood and now as a teenager, its seems like its easier for her to talk with adults rather than people her age.

Probably one of the most relatable quotes from a show I've ever seen was when she gifted her classmates bracelets and everyone threw them to the ground, and this boy mentioned how weird she was and before that, she never really thought about it, she thought she fitted in, she didn't saw herself as weird and after that she lived scared of being called weird and basically started masking.

[riftrive]

Some thoughts about Double Agent / Goldie / золото and things that make them different from Chaos

The name Chaos gave them is золото (zoloto), which literally is just Gold in Russian. But also they find it interesting seeing what names others give them.

Less of a clone, more of an experiment. They do not have Chaos' memories because there isn't an easy way to to tap those to transfer (Chaos doesn't have a physical brain). Everything they know is through teaching

Which similarity comes in they both bright af and quick to learning- actually, there's a good chance золото is quicker to learn some things than Chaos. Most of these are human emotions and feelings which are harder for Chaos.

The reason for this? золото can feel things Chaos can't. Like physical things. Chaos' senses are very inhuman, and certain ones humans can't feel. Others they can't like pain like a human does, for example. золото can, and they can learn things through it. Even if something that hurts others can't hurt them, they can be like "this hurts another, I know what pain is, therefore I understand why they don't like it". Might not always stop them though.... actually might make their capacity for cruelty higher and a better torturer than Chaos

Speaking of pain, or the closest Chaos can feel, золото does not have the overstimulation of ooze issue. Chaos did start to make them a vessel or shell in expectation of this, but noticed золото didn't show the same stress as themselves when out of clothing or covering. It was confusing until Chaos found out why

золото has sensory organs instead of the ooze particles for sensing that Chaos has. Eyes and mouths (probably far too many), as well as other various means to sense in a more biological way than Chaos. These are hidden in their ooze, but they can sense through it just fine. They can also move ooze to make these more obvious if desired. Chaos believes these developed due to them using additional factors beyond their ooze that were more natural to Earth.

Actually золото has organs in general where Chaos basically lacks all them (Chaos does have a few kinda, but they aren't exactly how understood by humans). They are malleable, and can squish and squeeze and stretch without much issues. However they shouldn't be broken apart, therefore obvious clumps of ooze may occur if золото splits body / bursts it / otherwise minimizes the full shape of self.

золото runs warmer than Chaos does- they are about the warmth of the human body, unlike Chaos' cold ooze

Unlike Chaos, English is their native tongue. This is cause when Chaos made them they were surrounded by more English speakers than those of Russian or Ukranian (aka they weren't made in their main lab back home.) They might have nearly no accent that Chaos has- anything that might give away one is words said slightly different cause how they learned from Chaos, but others said without this difference. They do know bits of Russian, Ukranian, and other languages Chaos knows though.

Default height might be taller than Chaos'- both can still change their sizes, but золото chose taller

Might have a bit more of a calmer disposition than Chaos does. Still coy, but less of a near constant high energy

Chaos considers золото one of their best experiments, especially given how hard it is to work with their own ooze

[milkhoney531]

Just some personal musings, contains abuse, suicidal ideation, and transphobia mention

You know, when I first came out as trans/nonbinary, the name I chose started with M. Then G and then J. Now I'm back to M. Different name, same letter. For some reason, M sticks around longer than any other name I've gone by.

I've gone by tons of usernames too, but one split second decision cemented part of my username. I was signing up for freecycle for some reason and I was going to use my chosen name, I got three letters in and decided I didn't want questions so I chose to change the last letter and make a pale joke.

So boom, Milk became a part of my online identity, besides the 531 at the end. And while the word after it varies from place to place, the M stays.

I've changed a lot over the years, but some parts of me are the same. I still feel weird about my gender expression. I still hate being perceived as a girl. I can't stand pink or too many bright colors, mainly due to preference or sensory issues. I still don't correct family who calls me by the wrong name, but I want to work on that.

I still love to write, paint, draw, or do most creative mediums. However I don't write songs anymore, despite still wanting to learn music. I also don't hate fashion, I've designed clothes and bags and such, even making my own coat.

I'm no longer terrified of ruining things and shutting down my ideas due to that fear. I have altered clothes, made new clothes, put both fabric and acrylic paint where they definitely shouldn't go, frankensteined jackets and cosplays. I have let myself make the things I bought my own. Were there some projects I ended up regretting? Yes but it felt amazing to actually do them while I did!

It's been a rocky road, but I like where I'm at right now. I'd like some changes, yeah, but the changes I want, I'll get. I just need to keep going and preparing. I don't know for sure where I'm heading, but I have a plan for what I want in my life that can be achieved no matter what happens.

I still don't really know who or what I am, but I'm learning and I'm growing into a person I think I like being. Sure, there have been some bumps in the road, definitely didn't think I'd discover a chronic pain condition making me use a cane, or think I'd like flowers, the ocean, or space nearly as much as I do now, but it's a nice surprise.

I'm surprised and glad I'm here to learn more about myself. I never thought I'd live so long. Frankly, I was amazed I made it to high school. Growing up, home was a violent place. My mom was with a violent, obsessive, jealous drunk for most of my life. He almost killed me, my mom, and my brother with a gun before I was 6 years old. I learned the smell of alcohol and how to find empty beer bottles and places to hide before I learned how to write my name. I learned how to find good hiding spots and to make sure my siblings were hidden before I learned to tie my own shoes.

I grew up thinking I was going to be killed. When we finally were free of danger, and even before then, I often acted out at school due to meltdowns because of my autism. Once we were safe, I was no longer the trusted babysitter who could be woken up in the middle of the night before even attending kindergarten or the kid who could make sure their siblings were safe, instead I was a violent problem child. No longer was I praised for ridding of my bullies, my brother's, or my friends, but condemned because I used violent means to do so.

So I started to think of myself as a monster. As someone so unworthy of any human interaction that I legitimately thought I should be imprisoned and bound in a building with no possible exits or entrances far from civilization to just starve to death. I thought my only options in life were to be killed, kill myself, or imprisoned.

So I stopped doing anything. I stopped defending myself from bullies. I stopped caring what happened to me. I made it my goal to become invisible, to fly under the radar. And it worked. Everyone was happier that I had shut down. That I stopped being a problem.

Then I got a job. I started buying things for my family. Started treating them to special dinners, movies, etc. I started giving away what I had. I stopped eating except when with family. I was going to end it all.

But somehow I made it to high school. I remember how shocked I was. How I never thought I'd get that far. I had passed my self given expiration date somehow. And as I walked up to the school, I remember thinking that if I can make it this far, then if I were to go out, it wouldn't be by my own hand.

And yet in my sophomore year, I almost killed myself and to this day I still don't know why. I had just gotten home from a club dance with a bunch of free goodies for my family. I was happy as could be. My parents left to chaperone a dance. And I was alone, my siblings asleep. I didnt think. I found myself in some sort of daze as I walked into the kitchen and I was going to grab a bottle of pills. I was going to eat them all.

But I snapped out of it. I went online and I googled a suicide online chat help line. I never spoke to anyone, but waiting gave me time to come back to my senses. I don't know what snapped me out of it. But I was lucky I snapped out of it.

Sure, life hasn't been amazing, but I think I would have regretted not living it. I've gotten to learn so much, to do so much, to meet so many people, to help people. I wouldn't have gotten to do any of it if I had gone through with it, with my plan that night. As hard as it's been, I've been slowly learning to live. To be a person. As scary as it's been at times, to step out of my bubble, to be myself without fear, it's been getting easier the more I do it.

It started with me deciding to live. Then making a plan for my future. To adding color to my closet. To discovering who I am. To coming out. To defying my mom and staying out. To altering my clothes. To advocating for myself. To being who I am today.

[lionheartslowstart]

The Male Gaze

My whole life, I have been someone many consider odd. I stand out. I march to the beat of my own drum. I’ve been called “unique” or “one of a kind” by a large number of people, complete strangers and close loved ones alike. But while I absolutely struggle with the desire to fit in more easily and be accepted by The Masses(tm), for the most part this is not something that bothers me. In fact, there have been many times in my life where I take tremendous pride in sticking out like a sore thumb. Why would I want to be like everyone else? That’s boring. Recently, I have been coming to terms with the fact that I have largely lived my life according to the male gaze. This has been quite a jarring realization to have, considering everything I just discussed above. But it’s true. For much I’ve my life, I’ve dressed a certain way, worn my hair in particular styles, worn specific types of makeup, and even participated in some behaviors, simply because that’s what I’ve been conditioned to do.

I did these things despite deep down NOT wanting to do them. And I can see that clearly now upon reflection, that many of them were not things I actually liked at all, or were things I only wanted to do occasionally, as opposed to quite frequently. Though the autism certainly played a role in that as well. Much of the fashion  I donned myself in actually caused me a lot of sensory issues. Namely high heels, makeup on my face (like foundation, bronzer, etc.), and certain styles/materials of clothing. I still wear these things once in a blue moon, but only for special occasions. (But even then, I’ll probably excuse myself to go fidget in the bathroom several times throughout the event.)

As a whole, I wouldn’t necessarily include my body issues in this category, due to the fact that those issues mostly stem from a variety of other sources which carry much more significance, including my insecurities with women, rather than men. However, there was a long time I craved having a petite frame, and pursued skinniness to the best of my ability. It has only been in the last few years that I’ve realized I don’t actually want to be skinny. (Make no mistake, I do wish I thinner, but only marginally so, as I’ve actually lost a lot of weight recently.) I have never truly liked my body, but have found that I seem to like it the most when I’m in good shape. I enjoy watching my muscles get bulkier. I like looking, feeling, and being strong. I have a goal body and it’s definitely not the same goal body I had ten years ago. Although, funnily enough, I did discover that rush from lifting weights and seeing muscle growth, despite the fact that leanness was what I so desperately “wanted”. But now I’ve finally given myself permission to pursue it.

I also mentioned my hair. I’ve worn it long for most of my life. Or at least, long enough to be considered feminine. I cut it short for the first time my freshman year of college (and got my first girlfriend like two weeks later, how ironic), but grew it out immediately because I thought it made my face look weird. Now I ask myself, did it actually make my face look weird, or was I concerned about how my face looked to men? I genuinely think it may have been the latter. But since then, my hair was consistently shoulder length.

Until about five years later, when I shaved off half of my head to stick it to my ex because he said I’d look ugly (which I didn’t by the way I looked hot as hell). After a few months, I cut my hair short for the first time since my freshman year so that it grow back evenly. And I really, really liked it. But then I grew it out again, using the excuse that it would probably be better for my career. Which might have some truth to it, but was also kind of a bullshit excuse. The fact is, the most successful actors are the actors who stay true to themselves. Industry professionals can smell bullshit a mile away, and that’s not what they want. They want real, authentic, genuine artists. I can claim that title all I want, but if I’m compromising on how I want to wear my hair, it’s not true. And unfortunately, as a result, when I got my headshots done in 2021, I was extremely unhappy. They didn’t come out well. They didn’t look me. Even the best ones made me look about five years older. And I was stuck with them for a long time.

I’m getting new headshots this year, and made the choice to chop all of my hair off again. It’s a little shorter than I’d like it to be, but I still have some time for it grow a bit longer before my next headshots. I know exactly how I want it to look. Last year I had this sort of floppy, strawberry blonde, shaggy bob. It was perfect. It’s the most I’ve ever liked my hair.

I do already miss the long hair (the curse of being gender-fluid), but it did cause me a lot of sensory problems. My neck and shoulders feel much better without it. If I’m being honest, in an ideal world, I’d be able to change my hair all the time. There are so many styles I’d love to try! Alas, because I’m an actor, I really do need to pick one and stick with it, at least for the foreseeable future. And this is the one I like the most and feels the most “me,” at least right now. So it’s the one I’m going to have for the next couple of years while I work on rebuilding my resume. At the very least, it’s nice to know that certain cuts and colors do look good on me, should I ever feel the need for change. Like I said, the half-shaved look was killer, and I also got to have purple hair for my birthday month last year, which was so much fun. I do hope I’ll have more opportunities for experimentation down the road!

Woof, that was a tangent. But the hair stuff does lead me to a very important facet of this whole male gaze thing. I am a queer person. Very queer. So queer in fact, that I would honestly call myself a lesbian if my current partner wasn’t a man. (Yes, he knows that, and it has given him endless ego boosts.) In addition to being queer, I’m genderqueer. Specifically I would say the agender category is the most accurate for me, though there is definitely fluidity therein. I just happen to identify as some variant of agender most of the time.

Now obviously, gender identity and sexual orientation do not dictate expression. But for me personally, there is a lot of desire for more masculine or androgynous presentation. Not all the time, and there are still quite a few times I enjoy dressing more feminine. But masculine/androgynous fashion is not something I normally pursue at all. In fact, on the rare occasion I would dress more masc, I made a whole thing out of it. I would go all out and post a shit ton of pictures and poured a lot of energy into it. It was never just what I happened to be wearing that day. It was “omg it’s masc day!” Admittedly, part of that is because I didn’t own a lot of traditionally masculine clothing. But isn’t that kind of what I’m talking about here? I only bought certain types of clothes because those were the clothes I was “supposed to wear.” Anything else was a rare treat. I own a shocking amount of dresses for someone who really doesn’t like dresses.

This year, I promised myself I was going to make a concerted effort to pursue fashion, something I have always been wary of doing (largely due to my body issues). So far, it’s actually been going pretty well! Since I’ve lost weight, I now have a reason to buy new clothing, and I’ve allowed myself to get what I want, not what I think I’m supposed to want. That includes traditionally masculine clothes, of course, but it also includes traditionally feminine clothes, and more androgynous looking clothes. The crazy thing is that, now that I’m just wearing what I want, none of my clothes look inherently gendered. (Which like, duh.) I just wear what I want on any given day and if I’m feeling masculine, it looks masculine, and if I’m feeling feminine, it looks feminine. It’s been such an incredible, exciting, and freeing experience! Weirdly enough, since I’ve started indulging my actual tastes, I’ve even begun enjoying wearing dresses sometimes. (Emphasis on sometimes.) I think it might be because I don’t feel pressured to wear them to appear more feminine, to look the way I’m “supposed to look.”

It’s been such a sudden, drastic shift. I have spent so much of my life worrying about how men perceive me, if I’m desirable to them. To the point where I didn’t even realize it. And it’s just like, who fucking cares? I could give two shits if a dude thinks I’m hot or not. Yet it’s been so programmed into my brain, I’ve only just now become aware of it in my late 20′s. And I STILL have to catch myself sometimes! I absolutely still have moments of doubt or where I’ll try to talk myself into or out of something, and I have say to myself, “Ah ah ah, there you go again! What do YOU want?”

But it’s exciting. And scary. I am so pumped to continue this journey to rediscover myself and my individuality.